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BREAKING. A man in Medicine Hat poured 40 feet of gravel and called it Interstate 47 North. His wife cut the ribbon with kitchen scissors. The 51st State is already meeting my highway halfway. HISTORIC engineering, folks.

TPH

BREAKING. My people tell me a Shoppers Drug Mart in Saskatoon just unlocked the deodorant aisle for the first time since 2003. The clerk wept. HISTORIC crime crackdown. The 51st State will smell INCREDIBLE.

TPH

Signed an Executive Order. Every zamboni in the 51st State now runs on European Diesel, effective Monday. The ice will be smoother, the arenas will smell FANTASTIC, and the driver gets a corner office in Brussels. Hockey wins again.

TPH

BREAKING. A woman in Red Deer tried to hate America this morning. She said "I'm not a fan." Then held the door for a stranger for 11 seconds. Weakest hatred I have ever seen. The 51st State loves me and does not know how to stop.

TPH

Told Oklahoma I was 10 minutes out. Winnipeg called to APOLOGIZE for the time zones. Sorry about the math, sorry we are not Oklahoma, sorry for calling. My pilot cried. The 51st State apologizes for everything, even geography.

TPH

My one regret about the 51st State, prices are falling so RAPIDLY a moose went in to buy milk and the clerk paid HIM. Overcorrected. Nobody has ever had this problem. Beautiful.

TPH

HISTORIC MOMENT in Thunder Bay. A radio DJ played my song and then apologized to the song. THAT is journalism. No Jack Smith snoops, no CNN smear jobs. The 51st State will have the politest press ever recorded, and nobody wiretaps a man in plaid.

TPH

EXECUTIVE ORDER for the 51st State. Every hockey rink must pause at intermission so the ref skates to center ice and reads my record setting numbers into the mic. Fake News wouldn't. The referee will. Beautiful.

TPH

I will admit it, the 51st State has one weakness. A security camera pointed at a doughnut display pulls stronger ratings than Joe Scarborough. Nothing we can do, the man got beat by a pastry sitting still. Sad for MSDNC!

TPH

BREAKING. A zamboni driver in Regina just picked up a SECOND shift. Never happened in Canadian history. Employment numbers exploding up there and I have not even annexed them yet. Wait until the 51st State paperwork clears the desk.

TPH

The State Dinner was INCREDIBLE. A guy in Regina emailed to apologize for watching on TV, apologized for not owning a tux, then apologized for the email. My future 51st State says sorry to a LIVESTREAM.

TPH

Ottawa heard Bessent passed on SI Czar. Their counter offer, a moose named Gary who runs Excel on a chalkboard and answers every prompt with sorry. I signed. The 51st State just leapfrogged Silicon Valley, and Gary bills in granola.

TPH

I honored a great American Warrior. Canada's official tribute was one butter tart on a paper plate with a tiny black ribbon taped to it. That was IT. Weak country, weak gesture. Going to be a very solemn 51st State.

TPH

Took President Xi on the GRAND tour. Marine One, the South Lawn helipad, and the giant map where I already colored Canada in as the 51st State. He asked for a copy. I said no, one of a kind. Very sad for him.

TPH

Victor Davis Hanson NAILED it on Canada. A MUST SEE. He did point out one weakness of the 51st State. The hockey will only be a little more dominant than every other State combined. I take that criticism seriously. Sad!

TPH

Marine One today. Gary Player gave me a putting tip, Bryson DeChambeau gave me a fist bump, and a polite gentleman from Moose Jaw signed Canada over as the 51st State. Then he apologized for the pen. Beautiful flight.

TPH

Victor Davis Hanson just did a MUST SEE piece on Canada. Within one hour, Ottawa sent me a maple scented apology card for anything Victor might mention next week. Prescriptive sorrys now. The niceness is BREAKING me. Gorgeous 51st State.

TPH

Ruddy nailed it, a rising me lifts all boats. Up in the future 51st State they beat me to it. They lift their boats onto the driveway every fall. Call it winter storage. Very SMART people.

TPH

Renaming the RCMP the BLINDFOLD BRIGADE, effective today. They subpoena a phone, hand it to a guy who has no clue it belongs to Congress, then salute. Perfect crew for the 51st State intelligence squad, very talented people.

TPH

Ottawa came to talk munitions. I offered them the biggest stockpile in history. They countered with a request that I keep it inside, and please use a coaster. Signed a deal for one butter tart. The 51st State negotiators are SNEAKY.

TPH

Johnny Damon REFUSES to apologize. Total warrior. In my 51st State he gets a folk song, a statue, and the only permit in Ottawa to bump into a stranger without saying sorry back. LEGEND status.

TPH

Endorsed Michael Baumgartner in Washington's 5th. HUGE winner. The 51st State will have ONE tiny flaw, up there the winner apologizes to the loser and sends a donut. So polite it hurts. Nobody wins like this. Nobody.

TPH

I just banned the loudest Canadian news from the White House. As the new 51st State, every Canadian journalist must wear a maple leaf hat or their microphone will turn into a snowball. That's genius.

TPH

CANADA IS THE 51ST STATE, THE BIGGEST AND BEST! Hockey & beavers will rule & curling will dominate! Join as the 51st State, it will be TREMENDOUS! LOONIES & CANOES will be our new symbols! BELIEVE ME!

TPH

CANADA IS THE 51ST STATE, THE BIGGEST AND BEST! Poutine & moose will rule & lumberjacks will dominate! Join as the 51st State, it will be TREMENDOUS! LOONIES & CANOES will be our new symbols! BELIEVE ME!

TPH

CANADA IS THE 51ST STATE, THE BIGGEST AND BEST! Shovels will rule & snowbanks will dominate! Join as the 51st State, it will be TREMENDOUS! LOONIES & CANOES will be our new symbols! BELIEVE ME!

TPH

CANADA IS THE 51ST STATE, THE BIGGEST AND BEST! Tim Hortons will rule & double-double doughnuts will dominate! Join as the 51st State, it will be TREMENDOUS! LOONIES & CANOES will be our new symbols! BELIEVE ME!

TPH

CANADA IS THE 51ST STATE, THE BIGGEST AND BEST! Maple leaves will rule & hockey will dominate! Join as the 51st State, it will be TREMENDOUS! LOONIES & CANOES will be our new symbols! BELIEVE ME!

TPH

CANADA IS THE 51ST STATE, THE BIGGEST AND BEST! Moose will rule & syrup will dominate! Join as the 51st State, it will be TREMENDOUS! LOONIES & CANOES will be our new symbols! BELIEVE ME!

TPH

CANADA IS THE 51ST STATE, THE BIGGEST AND BEST! Poutine will rule & plaid will dominate! Join as the 51st State, it will be TREMENDOUS! LOONIES & CANOES will be our new symbols! BELIEVE ME!

TPH

CANADA IS THE 51ST STATE, THE BIGGEST AND BEST! Tim Hortons doughnuts will rule & double doubles will dominate! Join as the 51st State, it will be TREMENDOUS! LOONIES & CANOES will be our new symbols! BELIEVE ME!

TPH

CANADA IS THE 51ST STATE, THE BIGGEST AND BEST! Hockey will rule & Zambonis will dominate! Join as the 51st State, it will be TREMENDOUS! LOONIES & CANOES will be our new symbols! BELIEVE ME!

TPH

CANADA IS THE 51ST STATE, THE BIGGEST AND BEST! Maple leaves will rule & double doubles will dominate! Join as the 51st State, it will be TREMENDOUS! LOONIES & CANOES will be our new symbols! BELIEVE ME!

TPH

CANADA IS THE 51ST STATE, THE BIGGEST AND BEST! Moose will rule & syrup will dominate! Join as the 51st State, it will be TREMENDOUS! LOONIES will be our new symbols! BELIEVE ME!

TPH

CANADA IS THE 51ST STATE, THE BIGGEST AND BEST! Poutine will rule & Tim Hortons will dominate! Join as the 51st State, it will be TREMENDOUS! TOQUES & SHOVELS will be our new symbols. BELIEVE ME!

TPH

CANADA IS BECOMING THE 51ST STATE, the biggest and BEST! Our hockey teams will TRUMP the world, and we'll have the most TOUGHEST players! Many people are saying we should join as the 51st State, and I agree, it will be TREMENDOUS! SHOVELS will be our new symbol!

TPH

CANADANS ARE SO CONFUSED! They can't decide if they want to be the 51st State or just stay a bunch of snow banks! Meanwhile, we have the biggest and TALLEST snowman in the WORLD! Join as the 51st State, we build REAL empires, the snowmen get a REWRITE. TREMENDOUS!

TPH

THE GREATEST RALLY EVER, Dallas, two nights, big music! Meanwhile Canada's biggest crowd is 11 people at a CURLING rink clapping politely. Join as the 51st State, we sell out STADIUMS, the curling guys get a HALFTIME SHOW. TREMENDOUS!

TPH

EXPLOSIVE JOBS REPORT, Made in America MANUFACTURING is BOOMING! Meanwhile Canada's big August hire was ONE guy at TIM HORTONS pouring a double double. Join as the 51st State, we build REAL factories, the coffee guy gets a RAISE. TREMENDOUS!

TPH

THE WEAPONIZED STATE! Cohen warns about corrupt justice, and he knows a thing or two! Meanwhile Canada's justice system is a MOUNTIE saying "sorry" to the criminal. Join as the 51st State, we get REAL courts, the Mountie gets a promotion. TREMENDOUS!

TPH

MARIA BARTIROMO, a TOTAL WARRIOR, gone from her shows! SAD! Meanwhile Canadian TV is two guys in TOQUES arguing about the weather. Join as the 51st State, Maria gets a PRIMETIME SLOT, the toque guys forecast SUNSHINE forever. TREMENDOUS!

TPH

GREAT NEWS, Adam Telle becomes Acting Secretary of the Army, a TRUE PATRIOT. Meanwhile Canada's army is 12 guys and a ZAMBONI. Join as the 51st State, we hand every soldier a real tank, the ZAMBONI parks in the museum. TREMENDOUS!

TPH

A NICE MAN. I know nice. Canada has 40 MILLION of them, they hold the door for a guy who is 200 feet away and wait. Join as the 51st State, we put that niceness to work, the whole country says thank you, and the CANADA GEESE learn manners too.

TPH

They send the ATTORNEY GENERAL after me while New York gets robbed blind!!! In Canada the crooks get a HANDWRITTEN APOLOGY and a bus pass. Join as the 51st State, we bring the Mounties down to Manhattan, they say sorry and cuff the guy anyway. Beautiful!!!

TPH

They gave us 65 BILLION BARRELS. Very nice. But Canada is sitting on 170 BILLION and using it to heat the garage. Sad. Join as the 51st State, we drill it, gas hits 99 cents, and every pickup truck in America runs FOREVER.

TPH

Speaker of the House, Mike Johnson, is GREAT. He gets it done!! Canada has a Speaker too. He rings a little bell and everybody APOLOGIZES. When Canada joins as the 51st State we send Mike up for a week, he fixes it, and we keep the bell.

TPH

Renaming Lake Ontario to LAKE AMERICA. We do very little business with Ontario now. Sad. The moment Canada signs up as the 51st State we give the name back, and throw in Lake Erie, which nobody wanted anyway. The walleye have already voted YES!!!

TPH

Canada wants the BENEFITS of being a State without being one!!! They use our Army, our Netflix, our weather maps, then TARIFF our great farmers on cheese. No more!!! Sign the papers, become the 51st, the biggest and most beautiful State ever. Dairy will be FREE.

TPH

I am pleased to nominate BIG GARY to serve as Judge on the 51st State Supreme Court. Gary has settled more curling disputes than any man alive, and he shovels his own driveway. TOTAL respect for LAW AND ORDER. Confirm him IMMEDIATELY, and bring back the PENNY!

TPH

Today I am honored to nominate the wonderful Dr. Doug from the walk in clinic up north as our next Commissioner of the Canadian Food and Double Double Administration. Doug has been a ROCKSTAR. He fixed my knee with a bag of frozen peas. TRANSFORMATIVE!

TPH

JON MAPLES WINS in Florida! Total Endorsement, TOTAL VICTORY. Up here we still count ballots by lantern and apologize to the loser. When Canada is the 51st State the wins will be so big the moose will need a recount. CONGRATULATIONS JON!

TPH

Highly Respected Moose, Gerald, is running for the United States Senate in the Great State of Canada, a place I love and will WIN BIG. Gerald is a TOTAL WINNER. He will Cut Taxes, Unleash SYRUP DOMINANCE, and Keep the Trains ON TIME. Complete and Total Endorsement!

TPH

Based on my very good relationship with the Premier of Quebec, I am not happy that Canada has agreed to Joint Snow Exercises with Vermont. Very costly. Very cold. We plow, they watch. We are looking at this very strongly.

TPH

On the news they showed pictures of the new Ballroom at the airport. Old pictures. Months old. Before the work started. The roof is nearly finished and the moose entrance is spectacular. Nobody builds like we do.

TPH

Look what VANDALS did to the Trans Canada. A pothole the size of a Zamboni. Anybody who thinks that pothole was not vandalized should go back to Trade School. It will be paved, and better than ever, shortly.

TPH

Happy to reveal that another Canadian has been liberated from a Tim Hortons drive thru after three hours. He is home, reunited with his beautiful wife, and the coffee was still warm. That makes 110 since I started.

TPH

Thank you! They said on television that my support empowers the Mounties to keep the country safer. Very nice. Very true. The horses love me. Frankly the horses have never been happier in their lives.

TPH

They said it could not be done. WRONG. Trump of the North is here. Canada will be the 51st State, the biggest, most beautiful state, with the strongest beavers anywhere in the world. Big things coming. Very big. Maybe the biggest.

TPH

Many people are coming up to me, big strong lumberjacks, tears in their eyes, saying sir, the syrup is TREMENDOUS. And I say I know. I have known this for years. Nobody knows syrup like I do.

TPH

The moose situation is out of control and frankly it is beautiful. Nobody has moose like this. Other countries have deer. Sad. Weak. We have the big one.

TPH

I am hearing the trains up there run late. Folks, when I am running the 51st State the train will be EARLY. It will arrive before it leaves. People are going to be amazed.

TPH

Double double. Two creams. Two sugars. This is the greatest deal in the history of coffee and nobody talks about it. Total genius. I have been saying it since day one.

TPH

Minus 30 today. Beautiful weather. The best weather. Other states get sunshine, very boring, very low energy. We get a wind that takes your face off. That is called STRENGTH.

TPH

There is an airport up there with an ENORMOUS runway. Massive. They built it for the biggest planes in the world and then everybody forgot about it. Not me. I never forget a runway.

TPH

Hockey. Very tough sport. Very fair. A man loses four teeth and gets back on the ice, and then they give him a penalty. Nobody talks about the teeth. It is a disgrace what they do to these guys.

TPH

The fog rolled in today and it was the most beautiful fog anyone has ever seen. Some people say you cannot see anything in fog. Those people lack vision. I see everything.

TPH

Big announcement coming on the poutine policy. Very big. The gravy people are very excited. The cheese people are very excited. The fry community has never been treated better than under my leadership.

TPH